dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
