we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
