I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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