Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
