I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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