i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
