Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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