This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
