Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
as a side note pls kill me
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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