and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
