No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
