Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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