so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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