he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
