apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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