My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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