what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
