can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
