It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
