it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
