The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
