Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
