Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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