at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
