Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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