So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
