And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
