I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's never too late to be topless.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize