Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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