It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
