I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
