i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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