i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
