two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
