I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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