Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
