shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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