I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize