doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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