Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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