Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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