i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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