just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize