Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
