so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
