I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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