I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
