they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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