When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
