If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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