Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
