marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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