no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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