I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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