I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize