You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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