you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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