I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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