What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize