k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
