the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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