I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
