U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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