The maid of honor just puked.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
