we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
