the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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