what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
