I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
