the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize