Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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