i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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